My First Rape

In 1967, when I was days old, I lost my virginity to a doctor who raped me with a knife. I never thought much about circumcision. For most of my life, I could not remember what happened to me. I wish I still did not remember. The doctor who presided over me culturally approved sexual torture and permanent mutilation took more skin than he should have. I thought this was normal. I was never told anything different had been done to me. My parents explained nothing. I grew up believing all men were born with penis that looked like mine.

Many years later, I came to realize the truth about how circumcision had physically harmed my penis. Today I have a penis that has lost most of its sensitivity. When I get an erection, my skin becomes painfully tight and feels as if it might tear at the base of my penis. It hurts to get a hard on. There is an ugly scar that causes pain when I try to wear a condom. There is abnormal curvature. There is hair growing halfway up the shaft that causes pain to my lovers. There is a patch of skin that is rough and abrasive, almost like sandpaper that causes pain to my lovers. The head of my penis is dry and scrapes inside the vagina of my lovers in an uncomfortable way. In order to achieve orgasm, I must thrust vigorously and pound extra hard to feel much vigorous friction to a small and particular sensitive area of my penis. This also causes pain for my lovers.

One of my lovers was particularly cruel when she left me for an intact man. She described in detail how much better their sex was and why. If not for this cruelty, I might have continued believing I had a normal penis. It is psychologically devastating to know that you cannot share intimate love with a woman without causing her great pain. The pain of my girlfriends is not only physical but emotional as well. They blame themselves as if they are somehow not sexy enough or less of a woman because it is so hard for me climax. My lovers always believe they are doing something wrong when the problem is with my penis. When I try to tell them "it's not you, it's me" they feel insulted as if I am patronizing them.

So I have been celibate for twenty three years now. It is not likely I will ever know another normal or healthy romantic relationship and nearly certain that I will never start a family. My parents will never have grandchildren now because a doctor took too much skin. This is not the worst of things however.

What is Poison Karma Anyway ?

Do you know about The Secret Law of Attraction for Manifesting Abundance in your life ? Do you believe in the Power of Positive Thinking to influence physical reality ? What about the power of negative thinking ?Many of you know what Prayer can do. At least you've heard of the Placebo Effect and maybe something about observer-dependent outcomes in quantum physics, right ? Our minds influence the lives we experience in ways that seem almost like Magic Wishing Power when you first become aware of it. This is not new. Some have named it Maya. In Buddhism, Samsara is the repetition of Karma patterns dependently arising from deep mental imprints as we fail to learn the lessons of Karma's poetic justice. I have heard this phenomenology called "transcendent thought-action". Maybe you have heard "belief into being" or "mind over matter". Certainly you have noticed that some people seem blessed with all the luck while others are cursed to remain unlucky losers who never seem to catch a break. Your deepest attitudes in the core of your subconscious mind are the biggest factor in determining how "lucky" you are in life. Positive optimists tend to receive what they expect. Negative pessimists tend to suffer what they fear. Cynical realists get a little of both. Most of us get some melange of good and bad opportunity and calamity. Poison Karma simply means that deeply disturbing unprocessed psycho-trauma that replays in our deep subconscious warps the world we are meant to experience into a twisted sick version of itself.

For example, a victim of deeply shaming sexual abuse feels dirty and blames herself for her own abuse. Karma manifests poetic justice meant not for her, as victim, but her own deep subconscious shame calls forth the Bad Karma meant to instruct her attackers. Karma replays again and again, teaching a lesson the re-victimized one already knows and reinforcing the subconscious landscape deep in her secret heart until she breaks. Psychiatrists and psychologists know that victims of particular kinds of abuse/neglect have a tendency to be re-victimized again and again throughout their lives but science just cannot explain why. The leading hypothesis is that the victims give off subconscious cues alerting abusers to weakness and vulnerability. Nobody really knows what these cues are or how abusers pick up on them. There is likely a grain of truth here. I know there is more.

In our secret hearts where we pray to God 24/7 in constant contact with the divine, hope and fear fight. When hope wins, we summon a fleeting opportunity we need to seize before it slips away. When fear wins, it conjures a tragedy that can take a lifetime of more to deal with. This energy of attraction where we send vibrations out into the universe, vibrations that influence our future, can become diseased, gangrenous, like a pus-ridden abscess at the center of our holy beings. I call this disease Poison Karma. Most people who suffer from Poison Karma no nothing about it. It works on such a deep non-cognitive level. If the traumatic abuse is suppressed to become a repressed memory via dissociative amnesia -then it becomes a self-powered engine of conjuring emotionally similar psychologically parallel abuse. A child who is the victim of rape, for example, will conjure circumstances that Healthy Karma would give to predatory pedophiles. You become the victim of Bad Karma meant for your abuser and your own Poison Karma gets worse.

Poison Karma does not always conjure abuse as such. A bewildering complicated sequence of perfectly timed accidents and coincidences can victimize somebody suffering from Poison Karma just as well a group of evil narcissistic psychopaths can. These synchronous incidents of accidental abuse can come from the people who love you most. Poison Karma snowballs as we become conditioned to suffer. Life circumstances and even the Law of Karma itself seem to prove that we are born losers, cursed to suffer again and again. We cannot understand what is happening to us.

Until we recover memories of multiple incidents of traumatic psychological abuse and other emotionally damaging circumstances, the significance of which make obvious that every psycho trauma, and all the emotional damage of bad-parenting and self-neglect, line up to make a perfect narrative. It's like being punched in the balls over and over and over. If suffering were truly random -it would kick you somewhere else.

The good news is that Poison Karma can be cured. The bad news, is I cannot tell you how. So I am a broken man, unable to live a normal life. I only care about a handful of things. So, I make this journal as a therapy experiment but also to share my own story of living with Poison Karma, the Thought Diseases that reinforce Poison Karma, and the hope we can all stop abusing ourselves and each other... even if only by an accident of good intentions.

The Loneliest Warlock (An Unreliable Narrator)

The priests and shaman of my primitive culture have diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder (with Psychosis), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. Yes, I am a sexually dysfunctional psychologically damaged emotional cripple. The mundane details of ordinary life, on the rare occasions I am capable of considering them, seem to me so trivial, inconsequential, and lacking in significance that I am forced to wonder why we bother with most of the empty meaningless things we fill our lives with. I must be reminded to eat. I must be reminded to shower. Shaving seems so meaningless that I have not taken a razor to my beard in over a year.

I suffer from from insomnia, nightmares, and recurring dreams that sometimes intrude into waking life. I have PTSD flashbacks and triggered intrusive thoughts over which I have no control. Some of these memories have been manipulated by psychopaths who subjected me to psychological torture while on hard drugs, having lured me on the pretext of helping me with my emotional problems only to do far greater harm. Intentionally. At least some of the trauma I remember from being tortured is real.  I do not always know where my memories and delusion begin and end.  For all real psychological purposes, every memory they put in my head looks feels and smells just like a real memory and carries all the power to influence my state of mind as if it actually happened.

I believe I am the reincarnation of somebody important. I believe I was called to prophecy by God himself and every second I am not speaking is a crime in His eyes. Yet I do not know how much to say. There are unspeakable secrets in my mind. I had an out-of-body near-death experience in which I believe I met Krishna in the flesh. Krishna called me to His own house in Heaven and I chose not to go. I was worried about hurting those who I would be left behind. I should have gone. When a top-tier Deity of infinite compassion invites you to do something easy and fun, putting an end to all your troubles with a happy ending too good to be true, I advise you to do what He says. I had telepathic communion with the Goddess Tara. A  disincarnate Buddhist Lama called "Rinpoche" who insisted his identity remain secret lived inside my head for three months. I now believe Rinpoche was a manifestation of Budai.

Or maybe I was hallucinating, having delusions, hearing voices and talking to myself. In the social consensus definitions of mundane reality here in the U.S., I know that I am insane. I also know that our psychiatric hospitals and homeless shelters are full not only of the broken and lost, but of deeply spiritual sensitive souls born to be spirit healers, shaman, sages, priest poets and prophets but they do not fit the mold and we throw them away. We break them with the very chains they were sent here to free us from.

Yes, I spent eight days in a psychiatric hospital. My memories are not in chronological order anymore. Some things which has been long forgotten are now vividly remembered. Other things I used to know are gone, wiped out of my mind forever. I recovered repressed memories of every traumatic experience that ever damaged my psyche and interfered with my emotional development. My personality has been broken and re-assembled. I experience surreal significant synchronicity that looks and sounds like seeing signs and omens. I believe I had a higher calling as a spiritual teacher and I blew it. Now I want to teach the world about Poison Karma.

So here it is. Sacred text or insane manifesto or something in between. Maybe something like the self-healing therapy journal of broken man on a long hard journey back from chaos and darkness. Judge as you will or not at all. I am an unreliable narrator, the Loneliest Warlock, victim of poison karma.